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No: 285
October 11th

My dear Boys and Girls,

We are all very pleased and satisfied with the news that has come to hand that four of our local boys who were prisoners of war in Jap hands are all safe and sound. They are John Tindsley, Billy Sutton, Dick Harrison and Harry Monk. This is the first NL I have written for three weeks owing to being unable to use my eyes. However, they are much better now and as a compensation for having sent no NLs I am making this a bumper number. I hope you will like it. Dr. Sumner, the Preston eye specialist says that the whole of my eye trouble is due to my being run down and over-worked, and he has ordered me two months' rest, which, of course, I cannot possibly take; but I am hoping to get away for a short rest, and if it is at all possible I will write the NL from wherever I may be. And please do not forget - if there is anything you want me to do for you until you get back, just write to me and you can rest assured that I will do my very best for you all.
With my love and my Blessing,
Ever your affectionate old friend, L.N.FORSE.

John Grantham Moss (Jack Moss) of Kearsley Avenue was married on September 15th in Tarleton Parish Church to Frances Amelia Taplin of Bermondsey, London. Reception and Wedding Breakfast at Garlicks. Walter Moss, who was also on leave from BLA was Best Man. Honeymoon in Scotland. Flight-Sergeant David Reginald Hanson, Kearsley Avenue, was married in Tarleton Parish Church on September 29th to Lily Tindsley of Hundred End. Reception and Wedding Breakfast in C.E. Schools. Honeymoon at Blackpool. Trooper John Edward Barnish (Ted Barnish) of Hoole, was married on Tuesday October 9th in Tarleton Parish Church to Marian Higham, Coe Lane. Reception and Wedding Breakfast at Garlicks. The infant son of Mr. And Mrs. Percy Sanderson, Hesketh Lane, was christened on Sunday Sept. 23rd with the names John Anthony. Mrs. Barlow, Hesketh Lane, (Mother of Hazel who keeps the shop opposite the Mission Room) died on Sept. 12th and was buried at Tarleton. She was 40 years of age. Harvest Thanksgiving Services at Tarleton Parish Church on Sunday last Sept. 30th. Large congregations. Preacher in morning the Rev. Charles Williams, brother of Walter Williams; afternoon, the rector; evening the Rev. G. Picton, vicar of Holy Trinity, Preston. The good news has come to hand that all our four Tarleton lads who have been prisoners of war in Japan are now reported safe and sound. They are, in the order of hearing of them:- Harry Monk of Bretherton, who married May Twist, daughter of Mr. And Mrs. Fred Twist, Tarleton Moss, Richard (Dick) Harrison of Kearsley Avenue, John Tindsley, Church Road, son of Mr. And Mrs. Tom Tindsley, William Sutton, son of Mr. And Mrs. James Sutton, Blackgate Lane, who married Joan Wilde of Hoole. The Te Deum was sung in the Parish Church at Evensong on each of the Sundays following the reception of the good news. The infant son of Mr. And Mrs. Norman Pearson, The Chalet, Hesketh Lane, was christened in Tarleton Parish Church on Sept. 11th with the names John Michael. Bolton's Farm, Blackgate Lane, was sold in plots a fortnight ago. John Wright bought the house in which he lives and the land surrounding it; Philip Barron bought the field running back to the New Road; other lots were withdrawn as the reserve prices were not reached. Mrs. Ernest Ball and a few other ladies arranged a Dance on behalf of the NL Fund and handed to the rector the sum of £15 for which we thank them. A troop lorry knocked down one of the huge stone posts of Bank Hall front gates last week. Only the driver was injured but not seriously. On the "Battle of Britain" anniversary Sunday, the Southport Squadron of the ATC, to which our Tarleton flight is affiliated attended a special Service of Thanksgiving at Tarleton Parish Church. They came, with their Band, in Southport Corporation buses, and after the Service marched with their Band round the Parish. On Tuesday last, Oct. 9th Joseph Black, Mere Brow, was married at All Soul's Church, Blowick, Southport, to Alice Irene Hornby of Blowick. Mrs. Eric Bolshaw (nee Olive Rigby, daughter of Inspector of Chorley) has presented her husband with a son. Mrs. Green, Hesketh Lane, wife of the new Clerk at the Station, has presented her husband with a son. Steeplejacks have erected a ladder from the ground to the top of the Church spire in order to inspect the state of the weathercock which seems to have become corroded at the base. Capt. Stanley Baldwin and his wife are staying at Sollom with Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Barron for the second half of Stanley's month's leave. The engagement was announced last week of AB Jack Marsden, RN only son of Mr. And Mrs. Bert Marsden, Gorse Lane, and Margaret Blundell of Hundred End. A lad named Gasgarth of Hoole, who was in the same POW camp as Jack Bourne of Rufford, in Japanese hands, has written home to say that Jack died in camp a year ago. Jack was in the Regiment and was a very dear friend of his. We all express our sympathy with his parents.
Now that they are not penalised by having their Group numbers put back for doing so, quite a number of local lads are home from BLA and CMF on agricultural leave. Amongst them are:- Robert Bond and Tom Sutton from Mere Brow, and Robert Howard of Barron's Farm, Tarleton. Harvest Thanksgiving Services were held last Sunday in Tarleton and Hesketh Bank Methodist Chapels, and at Croston Parish Church. Mr. Robert Latham JP is still very seriously ill. He is 84 years of age. Our Verger, Sexton and School caretaker, being a Brick-setter, has to go back to his trade, and so the rector and Churchwardens are looking out for someone to take his place. The rector still has some Ship's staff Sergeant-Majors, from Movement Control, billeted at the rectory. Harry Woosey and Frank McKean have both been demobbed, and are back in Tarleton. Mr. John Hornby BEM, RN, of Hoole, who is a Tarleton lad, has been demobbed and given the War Service rank of Lieutenant RN. Jackie Sutton, Hesketh Lane, has been called up to the Army. He is at Carlisle. Harry Tindsley, son of Mr. And Mrs. Tom Tindsley, Church Road, has been called up to the Navy. He is at Skegness. Foster's Newspaper shop at Hesketh Lane Station collapsed during the gale a fortnight ago. It will be remembered that it was a wooden building and how it lasted as long as it did was always a mystery. However, he has erected a small temporary building to take its place. Mrs. Llewellyn (Mrs. Annie Hunter) is very seriously ill at the house of her aunt, Mrs. Rigby, Coe Lane. Mr. William Ascroft, next rectory, Coe Lane, is putting up three more greenhouses with the aid of Italian labour. He put up three last year. A Mr. William Wignall of Shelley Road, Preston, has offered to the Parish Church a flute that his grandfather, John Wignall, used to play in Tarleton Old Church before an organ was installed there. The rector has accepted the offer which will be displayed in a glass case in the Parish Room. Leslie Ascroft, Holmes, son of Walter Ascroft, was married on Wednesday last to Betty Melling, daughter of James Melling, also of Holmes, in the Holmes Chapel. Wedding Breakfast and reception at Garlicks.

Harry Rigby, Jimmy Sutton, Bob Edmondson, Billy Harrison (Council houses, Kearsley Ave.) Tom Burns, Ted Barnish, Frank Proctor, John Webster, Jack Marsden, Ronnie Sergeant, Ken Ogden, Nick Taylor (9 Gorse Lane), Harold Holt (Hoole), Billy Hull, Leslie Hodson, Stanley Baldwin, John Croft.

Extracts from letters.
Sgt. Fred Forshaw writes from GHQ(1), New Delhi, "You might remind Ernie Ball that until he has been out here long enough to get his knees brown, he is not allowed to complain about the flies, heat etc. It's very bad form. If he would care to write to me here (224554 Sgt. F. Forshaw RE, Adjutant General's Branch, (MP Stats.), GHQ (1) New Delhi), I can put him in touch with a tea-planter in Southern India who would take him in for leave if he should get down that way. He would live like Lord Tarleton for a month. For myself, I am fit enough and ready for the Christmas reunion (I hope). Please give my kind regards to your nephew Eddie." Dvr. Billy Whittle writes from BAOR "At the moment I am on detachment at a village called Katzem about 20 miles from Aachen. In case any of the lads are down here, the number of the transport is a large 333 on each truck. I have a 'dodge' tipper, and have chalked "Tarleton" all over the bonnet, so I can't be missed if any of the lads pass me. There is a snag about this place however, the fields are smothered with mines, and according to what the lads say, this was right in the much talked of Siegfried Line. I am due for a trip to Brussels shortly on a "72". Will you remind Bob Edmondson through the NL that he owes me a letter. I haven't heard from him for weeks now." Tel. Bert Fawke, RN., writes from the good ship HM MFV 1540 "At the moment of writing we are as Massawa in Eritrea. Our original destination was Sydney, Australia, and in spite of the Jap war being over we are still going there - as far as we know. The ship I'm in is a motor fishing boat. It is a wooden vessel, ninety feet in length which pitches and tosses at the slightest ripple. I'm looking out for John Webster and Tom Dickinson, to whom I send all my kindest regards." Stoker 1 Billy Hudson (Mere Brow) writes from the Naval Barracks, Rangoon, "As you will see I have left Ceylon and also lost touch with my pal Arthur Proctor who for a long while was with me; so I would like you through the NL to ask him if he is ever in Rangoon to come and see me. He will find me in RNB. Also remember me to all the lads of the village who are still in HMF, I hope to see you very soon now. I had a NL yesterday which had followed me all round the world." Sergeant Dick Blundell writes from India "As you will see by my address I have been promoted since I last wrote, twice as a matter of fact. One day I was promoted to Lance-Sergeant and a couple of days later I was made full Sergeant. They must have thought that I had won the war or something to that effect. Some of our local lads will soon be home and I hope that it will not be so very long before I get that way myself. Here's all the best to the Locals especially Jack Robinson, Vernon Ogden, John Iddon and the Rowland Bros. and all the rest of the Tarleton Tommies wherever they may be." ERM Dick Burns writes from HMS Blenheim "I have just completed nine days' leave. I did not go away this time as last year I went into Palestine and Jerusalem; but this year I stayed in Alex with a couple of days up in Cairo. I have not had the pleasure of meeting your nephew yet, but I am going ashore at the weekend so I hope to have a chat with him then. Please pass on my regards to my brothers Jim, Tom, George, and Fred, also my brothers-in-law George West and Harry Forrest and Neal Baker and say I hope that the lads who have been a POW in Jap hands will have a speedy and safe return." Dvr. John Caunce writes from CMF "I see from your last NL that Sid Ball is only 20 miles from me. He is as Blagenfurt and I am Villach. I do not know if I can get to see him as we are taking the Leave Convoy again. I have only just come in from ten days' Convoy run. We came right to Calais. I do not think that they are keeping the overland route on after the month and then they are going by train." LAC Robert Bridge (late of Sollom) writes from Ceylon "I like this place which is much better than India or Burma. I haven't much faith in this demob scheme and it is not getting us home as quickly as we thought. My brother Hugh was expecting to be coming out this way but now that the war is over he may not come. My kindest regards to all the people of Sollom and Tarleton. By the way, one of my mates here is Nell Tarleton's (the boxer) brother. He was very surprised when I told him about Tarleton. He has travelled all round that way but had never heard of Tarleton before, which seems strange." Sgt. Ernie Ball writes from India "Today, out here, is Christmas Day - for the Wogs only - the way I knew was that they all had a holiday, Dhobi Wallah, Char Wallah, and every other Wallah. They are all Wallahs out here, but the best one I have met yet was a couple of days ago when a weird individual, with voice to match, came round shouting Toe-nail-cutter wallah. He wanted to show me how skilful he was on my feet, but as my old "dogs" are by far the most ticklish part I possess, you can guess the answer - the equivalent of "not today, old boy, thanks awfully". In the near future we can expect the gathering of the 'Chars'." LAC Freddy Coupe writes from Labrador "Being miles away from any sort of civilization I've very little news of interest. I should be going to Montreal on a short four days' visit in about six weeks, and I'm looking forward to it. We get some marvellous views of the Northern Lights up here. They stretch right across the sky some nights and it is nearly as light as day time." Pte. Tom Harrison (Holmes) writes from MEF "I am stationed within a mile of Nathanya, which is a seaside town. It is not much of a town, for it is nothing like as big as Tarleton but quite a decent place to be stationed in. I came here last April to take charge of a 300 acre farm, and I've been on this job ever since. The farm has now been given up, so I'm just waiting to be sent home. I am only two months short of completing six years in the Army. I am hoping to contact my two nephews Walter Ascroft and William Harrison, both in the Navy and both out in this part of the world." Stoker Bill Hodson writes from Burma and, incidentally, sends a handful of Japanese paper money. He says "I read in the NL that you were awarding another medal for the first naval rating to be in Singapore. I may get there yet, one never knows. I was supposed to be awaiting passage home, but with all the POWs being released they have got first priority and they certainly need it. Remember me through the NL to my friends Arthur Proctor, Charlie Wright, RAF, Charlie Wright (Chuck), Bob Bond and all the local lads in HMF." LAC Tom Smith writes from Ceylon "I am settling down to life here in the jungle in Ceylon. I always thought of Ceylon as a pleasant, sunny little island, of well-cultivated fields, tea plantations, coconut groves of large estates where pineapples and bananas grew in boundless quantities. I am now working in this jungle out-station, absolutely cut off from urban life and gradually becoming accustomed to the heat and, what is more important, able to cope with the boredom which arises from being chained down in a remote, out-of-the-way place. My kind regards to Harry Taylor, Roger Watson, Malcolm Parkinson, Harry Devitt and Philip Rigby." Petty Officer Arthur Proctor "I am having a whack at being the lucky person to possess the Singapore medal which you are offering. I will give data later on and ask my officer to sign it. I got drafted from the base at Ceylon and we sailed to the Nicobar Islands and after a short stay there went on to Penang where the Jap commanders were in conference with our Admirals on board HMS Nelson. We left Penang for Singapore and arrived in the port on Sept.4th. We were amongst the first few boats to enter the harbour and land the troops, so it looks as if I were well in the running for your medal. All the best to all my friends, especially Jack Hodge, Jack Waters, and Jimmy Southern." Dvr. W. Scott (of Glasgow) writes "It may seem strange my writing this airmail but my mate comes from Tarleton and he lets me read his letters from you and I am taking the liberty of thanking you for a great job of work you are doing back home. It sort of lets the lads know everything that is happening at home and it helps to keep them in touch with each other. I come from Glasgow and it is a good-sized town for a rector to send a NL to all the lads, but if every district had a rector sending NLs it would make a difference to us as we are all browned off out here in Egypt. Shalal is situated right on the Sudanese border with a temperature in the shade of 132 degrees. My mate is Dvr. John Iddon, Gorse Lane, Tarleton. Thank you again sir." Dvr. John Iddon writes "We are in a place called Shalal and it is very warm, especially today when the temperature reached 135 degrees. It certainly was good news to read about Dick Harrison being on the first stage of his journey home from a Japanese POW camp. He must have gone through terrifying experiences while he was there. Please thank Mrs. Burns and Miss Nancy Taylor for raising that money for the NL and also Mrs. Richard Wignall and Mrs. Coupe for the Garden Party. I see one of my mates Jack Moss has been married. Give him my best wishes." Dvr. Sam Iddon writes from CMF "I am stationed in Casenta, and if there are any boys from Tarleton anywhere near I would like them to ask for 130 company; they will probably find me at the entrance on RP duty. It's a nice change from driving. I am getting plenty of cricket on the Palace ground, so I hope we can start off again next season with a good team from Tarleton. My best wishes to all still in the Forces from Tarleton. I am writing this letter in the YMCA called the Bambo Club." Dvr. Will Carr writes from BAOR "When we left Leek, Staffs, a fortnight ago we have come to the very first place where we went into action with the BLA. We spent about four days looking round the old familiar places while we were waiting for the transport to take us further afield. We enjoyed looking up old friends we have made on our first entry. They were glad to see us back again. We then spent a miserable 250 mile journey to the very heart of Paris where we have spent the last seven days sight-seeing." LAC Dick McKean writes from MEF "At the present moment I am rather afraid that it will be quite a while before we have the pleasure of coming home and seeing you. Under the present release scheme I shall finish my time out here until it expires about next March. I shall have to spend Christmas once again out here in Egypt. I am hoping to meet my brother Harley again before he leaves Alexandria, and when there I shall have the pleasure of meeting your nephew." Gunner Philip Rigby writes from India "I am now convalescent and have improved a lot. The Japanese surrender came sooner than we expected out here but I, for one, was ready for it, and am now looking forward to the time when I can get home. I get the NLs quite regularly and hope that they will continue to come." 2nd R/O Jack Waters writes from his ship "We were at sea on V Day, but nevertheless we had a good time. We were awakened that night by a terrific noise made by the guns and rockets of some fifty ships. I am now in a Dutch ship and conditions are very good. As I write we are heading for one of the Pacific islands which has been in the news a good deal lately. Will you please, through the NL, give my kind regards to Arthur Proctor and Jack Hodge." L/Cpl Ken Robshaw writes from India "I am still in the jungle, but our hopes are high on being home for Christmas, but repat is rather bad at present due to things out here finishing so quickly. I hope that there will be plenty of jobs going when I get out of the Army; otherwise I may stay on in the Army a little while as I don't want to be unemployed. My kind regards to my brother Wesley and tell him to look out for my mail." Cpl Bert Price writes "At last I've been moved from Morecambe and now we are in the lonely countryside again. I shall be pleased to see any Tarletonians or "Ekky Bonker" who passes near this camp. It is only a few miles from Catterick, I hope that it won't be long now before I am in civvy street. My group is 26." Marine Jim Wright writes "I am in hospital with stomach trouble and have to stay in bed for three weeks on diet mostly milk. I don't think that I shall have to go out East now. I was on landing craft before I came in here. Remember me to all the lads. I think that I shall go back to the RCF when I get out." Dvr. Ronnie Noble writes from CMF "I have changed my address again; this time it is in Greece, but I have not got that far yet. I am only in a Transit camp at Taranto waiting for a boat to take us there. It took us 20 hours to travel 250 miles to here; it was in old vans and we slept and fed in them all the way. Now we sleep on a concrete floor. It is a dead place altogether and everywhere you would like to go is marked out of bounds." Marine Les Hodson writes "I am still in England and am sorry I did not see you the last time I was on leave, but you were away for the week. I was pleased to be on leave at the same time as my friend Bill Wright of the Airborne. I hope to pay you a visit the next time I am home on leave, but don't forget the change of address and I do not want NLs to go out to BLA." Gunner Harold Aspey writes "We are leaving Canvey Island for Hadleigh which is near to Southend. Most of the men from Groups 23 to 26 are on leave pending going to BAOR - quite a surprise groups of those numbers going across but as you know everything of that sort happens in the Army. I am very anxious to know how the situation is with regard to getting a house, for I want to get married as soon as I can get one." L/Cpl Frank Hewitson writes "As far as I can gather we are bound for India which will be a new experience for me as my previous overseas service was confined to North Africa. However, if I have to go abroad again one place is as good as another. Please convey through the NL my best wishes to all my Tarleton pals, and in particular my cousins Alec and Ted Barnish and Ronnie Sergeant." Gunner Tom Fazackerley writes "I am sending my new address which is RAAVP, India Command, and I don't think it will change for a long time. I cannot say that I am looking forward to going out to India. I don't know what the lads in India will think when we arrive there. We have got our KO but somehow it is not as smart as we expected it to be, for there was only one standard size, and that was to fit a lad of about 6'6" by about 3'; so you can tell what we small men looked like in it." Pte Joe Power writes from BAOR "I hope to attend the Sadlers Wells opera in Hamburg tomorrow night. Quite a number of people seem to have gone suddenly 'highbrow' these days judging by the attendance at Classical Concerts and Opera. I am staying in a very small village with miles of wooded country. Thank goodness I am only a short distance from Neumunster and there is at least a little entertainment in the town. My Demob group is 37, but when I will get out is another matter. Gunner Harry Harrison writes "It is now Monday and it is breakfast time. We have had Rifle Inspection and then started cutting grass. Really, sir, they don't seem to know what to do with us at present. No doubt we shall get PT and Rifle Drill just to pass our time on. Please remember me to all especially Dick and Billy and all my cousins. I was very pleased to hear of the safety of my cousin Dick Harrison."
Leading Seaman Jimmy Latham writes from HMS Lizard "My address changes so often that the NL is sometimes weeks in catching up with me. I may have to go to sea again but the time will come when, as with the other lads, I can put on civvies once more. Thank you for the thoughtful love bestowed on us in the Forces. My regards to all the young men and women in all the Services with whom I am acquainted." Dvr. Ronnie Whiteside writes "This is only a small place but the people here are always pleased to see us, and have a cup of tea with them. If we want an evening's entertainment we go to Brecon, which is only ten miles away, and if we want a weekend off, Swansea is our place. But we do not like the weather, which is terrible. I think I had a tastier dish for breakfast than you had. Yes, I had fried ham and eggs. I have boiled ham twice a week but I must say no more about the food or you will be getting peckish. Give my kind regards to the Carr brothers in the Forces, and here is hoping that we are all home before the end of next year." Pte George Farrington writes "I am now back in Scotland, as you will see by my address. I was here about three months ago but now things have changed somewhat, as there is not quite as much training. I don't know how long we shall be here but all our Company have moved up here from Formby. Please give my kind regards to all in HM Forces through the NL." Mary Coulton writes "I am pleased to be able to tell you that I am being demobbed on Monday October 8th but I would like to ask a favour. Could I still have the NLs until you cease to write them? After five years in the Army I shall be pleased to get back to Civvy Street. Will you please remember me to all the boys and girls of Tarleton. God bless them all and give them a speedy return." Flight Sergeant David Hanson writes "Last week we came back from Athens where we took over a bunch of Greek prisoners, but there was no return load, although I'll bet that many a lad from Tarleton would have been glad of the trip home. On Thursday we will be going to Prague. It must be true that there is no rest for the wicked."

1. If five cats catch five rats in five minutes, how many will it require to catch one hundred rats in one hundred minutes?
2. If I plant an avenue of trees each a yard apart, how many trees will I need for an avenue 50 yards long?
3. When did London begin with an L and end with an E?
4. Can you pronounce this word? And what does it mean? GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEW.
5. Take one letter from a girl's name and you get a European country, take another letter from this country's name and you get the basic coin of this country.
6. Why should little birds in their nest always agree?

Top of the Mast
The rector has decided that all Service and ex-Service lads and lassies who are married at Tarleton Parish Church can have, if they so desire, the distinctive flag of the branch of the Services in which they fought during the War, flown from the Church flag mast on the day of the ceremony. Thus the Navy can have the White Ensign, the Army the Union Jack, and the RAF the blue Airforce pennant.

Our Thanks
The rector thanks a large number of lads for giving him souvenirs of the war for display in the School Museum which he is forming. Many of them are unique and all are interesting.

Get-you-home-quick Service
The rector thanks the following for deputising for him in getting leave lads home from Preston in the early hours of the morning while he has been unable to do so because of his eyesight:- Messrs. William Dandy, Joe Cowell, Tom Rutter, Dick Johnson (Hesketh Lane), William Rimmer, Will Morrison, Tom Howard Barron.

The Lighter Side:
Johnny's mother wrote to the teacher - "Dear Sir, please excuse Johnny because he stayed away yesterday. He fell down the school steps and cut his knee open. By doing same you will oblige."

A little boy was asked by his father if he had seen Father Christmas bring him toys. "No", the boy replied, "But I heard what he said when he hit his foot on the fender."

An office manager was telling how a girl came in to apply for a job and when asked if she had any particular qualifications or unusual talents stated that she had won several prizes in crossword puzzle and slogan writing contests. "That sounds good," the manager told her, "But we want somebody who will be smart during office hours." "Oh", she explained brightly, "This was during office hours."

Conductor: "Any passengers dropped a shilling?"
Scotsman (quickly) "I have."
Conductor: "Then here's a ha'penny of it."

The football enthusiast was bemoaning his hard luck with last week's coupon, "Just one goal beat me for an extra week's wages," he said gloomily to his wife. "The centre forward had the goal at his mercy in the last minute of the game but the ball went over the bar." "Never mind," said his wife, "the extra week's wages would have gone the same way."

A religious and charitable old lady noticed a very down-and-out sort of man standing at the corner of the street near her house. One morning taking compassion on him, she pressed a bright shilling into his hand and whispered "Never despair." Next day the man stopped the lady and handed her nine shillings. "What does this mean?" she asked. "It means, ma'am," said the man, "the `Never Despair` won the 3.30 at eight to one."

Brassed off.
'Twas in the train. The gent in the bowler hat and the froth-strainer moustache wearing a watch-chain weighed down with football medals, leaned forward and tapped the knee of the elderly Brass-Hat sitting opposite, who had five rows of ribbons on his tunic. "You gotta lotta medals mate," he wheezed, "I suppose when yer gets back to civvy street you'll have to wear them on yer blinkin' watch chain, like me!"

"So you were in hospital ten weeks. Must have been pretty sick."
"No sir, pretty nurse."

"I got the sack for taking the boss's car out."
"But how did he know you took it?"
"Well,I knocked him down as I was driving down the High Street."

The Vicar was very touched when he saw a little boy standing on the doorstep of an important house in his parish, and making vain attempts to reach the bell.
"Can I ring it for you, my little man?" asked the Vicar, suiting the action to the words.
"Now run like blazes," shrieked the lad, "or she'll be after you."

Irate young man in the chemist's shop: "You seem to have nothing I want in this beastly shop."
Chemist: "Oh yes we have, young man, but you're too young to sign the book."

Client: "I see that you have charged me for two attendances on the 16th."
Solicitor: "Certainly, you must have forgotten that you called back to enquire if you had left your umbrella."

The flapper at the wheel of the Army lorry had just dashed over a level crossing in front of an express train. Turning to the corporal beside her she shouted: "I bet that put the wind up the engine driver."

Landlady(proudly): "All my boarders are gentlemen in the City."
Prospective Maid: "I dare say, but what I want to know is, what are they like when they're here?"

Young man (just turned down by his girl) "Ah well, I suppose I'll never marry now."
The girl (laughingly) "You silly boy! Because I've turned you down that doesn't mean other girls will do the same."
Young man: "Of course it does. If you won't have me, who will?"

The ship's cook was not very popular and one day he found his seaboots full of pig-wash. He was, however, too wise to say anything about it. Days went by. Then, unable to keep silent any longer, the bosun asked: "Did you find out who put the pig-wash in your boots, cook?" "No," replied the cook with a grin, "but I know who ate it."

An old sailor applied at a restaurant for a job.
"What were you in the Navy?" asked the manager.
"Optician and gunner, sir."
"That's a peculiar combination, isn't it?"
"Well, sir, I took the eyes out of the potatoes, and shelled the peas."

A Card Trick
Place a four of Clubs in the middle of the table and say to your friends "This represents a country inn with four spare bedrooms." Then take the four Queens and say "Here are four ladies who came tired out to the inn and asked for rooms. Said the Landlord `Certainly, we have just four rooms empty` so he put them one in each room." You put the four Queens face upwards at the four corners of the four of Clubs. Then take the four Kings and say "Hardly had the ladies retired than four gentlemen arrived, and they also asked for the rooms. Said the landlord `Can't be done, I have no rooms left.` However, they insisted and as they looked wealthy and able to be nicely fleeced he said, `Well, if you don't mind sharing the rooms with the ladies, it might be done.` The gentlemen did not object so he put them one in each room with the ladies." You place the Kings face upwards on top of the Queens. "Hardly had the landlord got downstairs than he heard a fearful hullabaloo. It was four tramps demanding rooms for the night and threatening to burn the place down if they were not given them." You then take the four Knaves representing the tramps. "Said the landlord, `In for a penny, in for a pound` so he took them upstairs and put them one in each room with the Kings and Queens. Then arrived four policemen." You take four Aces to represent these. "The landlord was frightened, so he gave them plenty to drink, and when they were thoroughly drunk put them, one in each room with the Kings and Queens and Knaves." You now have in each room a Queen, a King, a Knave and an Ace, face upwards. Let your audience see that this is correct. Now turn the cards face downwards. Keep the packs at each corner of the four of Clubs in the same order and place them one on top of the other, leaving the four of Clubs still face upwards on the table. You then ask as many of those present as care to, to cut the pack of 16 cards. Remember, cut only, they must not be shuffled. You then go on with your story. "The maids at the Inn, who slept out were scandalised at what had gone on, so they rushed to the rector and told him. Said the rector `This is a case for the Police` so he went to the Chief Inspector and lodged a complaint. Together they went to the Inn and accused the landlord of keeping a disorderly house. Said the landlord `Certainly not, I resent the insult, come upstairs and see for yourself if there is anything wrong`". You then take the pack which, remember, has been cut several times, and going clockwise round the pips of the four of Clubs, deal the cards out, face downwards and in the order they come putting one at each corner. When all the cards have been dealt you say "Said the Landlord `Here are my four rooms and here are the occupants fast asleep in bed, please turn down the sheets`". You then turn the cards at each corner of the four of Clubs upwards and it will be found that the four Queens are together, so are the four Kings, Knaves, and Aces. When you come to the Aces you say "Said the Landlord, `And here are your four drunken cops, and now what complaint have you to make?`"

To make you smile.
ramp: Madam, I once had a wife and family of my own, but I could not be contented. I growled and grumbled at everything and finally I left home.
Housewife: Well, here's a sandwich for you. Few husbands are as considerate as that.

Answers to Brain Twisters.
1. The answer is the same - that is, five cats.
2. 51 trees.
3. Always. London always begins with an L, and end always begins with an E.
4. Potato. It spells POTATO since:-
GH in hiccough is P pronounced hiccup.
OUGH in dough is O pronounced doh.
PHTH in phthisis is T pronounced tisis.
EIG in neighbour is A pronounced nabour.
TT in fatten is T pronounced faten.
EW in sew is O pronounced sow.
5. Frances - France - Franc.
6. Otherwise they will fall out.

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