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No: 267
RECTOR'S WEEKLY NEWS
May
17th 1945

Monster Victory Number

My dear Boys and Girls,
Here comes the monster Victory Number I promised to celebrate the occasion of VE Day. So far no one has claimed the medals, although Mr. John Hornby, B.E.M., is actually in the Keil Canal and could claim that medal, for he was born in Tarleton and went to school here. But as, since he married, he has lived in Hoole he writes to say that he will waive his claim in favour of any lad still living in Tarleton who may qualify.
Well!!! You have done the trick properly this time, and we are all proud of you. It has been no easy walk over, but you have stuck it well and pulled it off in no uncertain manner. Tarleton takes its hat off to you and says "Thank you, lads". However, you have been too near the realities of life not to know that without GOD being with you, you could have done nothing. Therefore, to Him be first the praise. It is a lesson also to bear in mind throughout life. "Apart from me," said our Lord, "Ye can do nothing." It is very, very true. Hitler lost the war because he discarded God. Those who do likewise are always the losers in the long run.
If man co-operates with God he is bound, in the end, to be victorious, even though that way may mean much toil, and pain and sweat. But after all, it's the end that really matters.
With the thanks of all in Tarleton, and with my own prayers and pride in you all, ever your old friend and rector, L.N. FORSE

HOME FRONT NEWS
Mary Ascroft, daughter of Mr.and Mrs. George Ascroft, Church Road, was married on Tuesday at St. Mary's Church, Rufford. Honeymoon at Blackpool.
Muriel Thompson of Much Hoole was married on Thursday at Hoole Parish Church to Sgt. Harvey Moxin of the U.S.A. Airforce. Bridegroom stationed at Freckleton.
Special Services as Thanksgiving to Almighty God for the Victory in Europe were held on VE day in the Chapel at 6pm. and in Church at 7pm. Large congregations at both places.
On VE Day night the Police held a Ball in the Conservative Hall in aid of Police charities. Room packed to suffocation. Still they danced or did what they called dancing. About midnight the Police asked the rector to say a Prayer of Thanksgiving and to remember those of our lads still fighting in the East. All dancing was stopped and in a silent room the rector said the prayer. Dancing was then resumed. The Police have asked the rector to say through the NL that their thoughts are ever with the lads and girls away, and they wish them all a safe return to the village.
The main Thanksgiving Service was held in Tarleton Parish Church on Sunday afternoon. Chairs had to be brought in to accommodate the huge congregation. The rector invited Mr. Harker of Burscough, the Methodist Minister to read the prayers. The rector preached and gave the Blessing. H.G., A.R.P., N.F.S., Ambulance Unit, Red Cross, W.V.S., Special Police etc. present in strength. British Legion, men and women with Standards. Collection, which came to £42, was for the Welcome Home Fund. Clifford Hambilton and Fred Croft, both just released from p-o-w camps in Germany were present.
On VE plus 1 Day, i.e. on Wednesday last, the Conservatives gave a free Dance in their hall to all the residents of Tarleton.
The whole village was gay with flags and bunting. The schools were ornately decorated.
An American Motor Lorry, driven by a coloured driver, ran into Bank Bridge and knocked the stone wall once more into the river.
Cliff Hambilton arrived home at tea time on Saturday. He was taken p-o-w at Dunkirk, just five years ago. His p-o-w guard was taking him, with the others, by route march through country lanes to Berchesgarten. They stopped to make tea by the roadside. Before tea was ready the German Guard came and asked their prisoners to take their rifles as the Americans were round the corner. So the lads obliged, and took their guard prisoners, and immediately along came the Sherman tanks. Cliff looks very well
This week the rector's telephone bell at his bedside has rung twice at 2.45am. First time he brought home George Barker of Hoole, second time Arthur Barron of Hesketh Lane.
Major Penny, Bank Hall, who lives in Blackgate Lane, is in a Liverpool Hospital, seriously ill, after an operation.
All being well, Harry Price is to be married next Thursday. Full particulars next week.
The rector completed 21 years as rector of Tarleton last Saturday. 21 years hard labour!!!

EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS
Dvr. Will Ellison airmails from C.M.F. "We have done another move and are out in the wilds on an important job. Plenty of work and no amusement until last night when we had an E.N.S.A. show in a recreation room we had just built the night before. My pal and I are expecting to go on a short leave to Florence either this week end or next." (The rector thanks Will for the beautiful and fascinating cigarette case he sent him from Italy. It was very kind and thoughtful, and the friendly gesture is greatly appreciated.)
Cpl. Roger Watson, R.A.F. airmails from S.E.A.F., "I see from the NL which arrived yesterday that at least one person, Philip Rigby, is on home leave from this area. I, myself, am not eligible for any home leave having completed 3 years overseas, and the Powers that be consider that I can stick it out without leave. "Roll on the next 12 months", I say. My kind regards to all my friends in the Forces, Malcolm Parkinson, Dick Rymer, Fred Coupe, Harry Hindley and Harry Devitt. Harry Hindley is not the only one who is looking forward to the Re-union of the Astland Tennis Club. Who'll be the first person 'detailed' to use the mower on the courts."
Dvr. Jack Robinson writes from B.L.A. "We have been on the go night and day and these few short lines I am writing in the car while out on a job. It is about the best time to write. I have met quite a lot of the lands I used to be with in Ireland, a good lot of lads, too. I can't say where I am except that it is well on the road to Berlin. Remember me to my cousin Vera, Arthur Harrison and Vernon Ogden."
AC Harry Moss (Mere Brow) writes from Iceland "The letter I sent you at Christmas would never reach you, as I have learned that the boat on which it left here was lost owing to bad weather. The NL continues to reach me without fail although we are the most remote H.Q. on the island and are entirely dependent for our mail upon a plane or a coast-going vessel. The Icelanders are a very musical people and take an ardent interest in their own national songs. This is the land of eternal ice and snow, and I often think of my friend Philip Rigby trying to keep cool in Burma. Please remember me to my brother-in-law Tom Harrison, M.E.F., my sister Margaret, W.A.A.F., Charley Wright R.A.F., India, and thanks to Joe Rimmer, mines, for the coal which keeps the stove over here going night and day."
Sgt. Fred Forshaw writes from India "I met L/Cpl. Waters last week; he turned up one Thursday night when I was in the middle of a cricket match at the Stadium. Well, God willing, it can't be long now before the Rectory carpet is worn out by the feet of returning service-men. I have been told that I must take a complete month's leave very shortly, whether I like it or not, so I hope to get another interesting look round before I come back home. You can book me to read the lessons for you on the first Sunday after my return. I was the guest of the New Delhi Club again on Saturday night."
Stoker Billy Hudson airmails from Ceylon "I have left the ship and am now with Arthur Procter, R.N., from Hesketh Bank. I go over to see him every night and we spend the evening talking of home. I hope that we can stick together now that we have met. I would like you, through the NL, to remember me to Charlie Wright, R.A.F., India, from whom I have not heard for quite a long time; also Chuck Wright, Robert Bond, and all the lads and lasses in the Forces. Hope to be seeing you soon when this lot is over."
LAC Dick McKean airgraphs from M.E.F. "I had the great pleasure of seeing Harley, my brother, before he left for home on a month's leave. I guess the village will be looking beautiful and green again now, and everyone will be busy in the fields and gardens. Please remember me to all in the Forces, especially my brother Frank, R.N., and my brother-in-law Bill Abram, R.N."
Sgt. Ernie Ball writes from aboard ship "I had a very pleasant surprise this afternoon because very near to me is Jack Ashcroft of Sollom, and I think that we shall be together for a while. It has taken more than 5 years for me to meet anyone I know from Tarleton. Jack saw me first. I cannot tell you much this time, but I will promise that I will write again at the earliest possible moment."
AB Tom Dickinson, R.N., writes from his ship "Thanks for the NLs which arrive regularly. At present W.Hough of Walmer Bridge is reading them; he is on our sister ship along with Bob Rimmer of Holmeswood, and we all get ashore together at times. Last night Bob and I went ashore at Leghorn to the ENSA show. With the remains of the Jerry fleet now surrendered, there is not much left for our ships to do. Give my regards to all through the NL especially Bob Howard, Ken Dandy and Tom Bolton. The "Chippies" of Malta wish to be remembered to their old workmate Nick Forshaw. They were quite surprised when I told them he was home on leave."
Lieut. Dick Melling writes from B.L.A. "I hope that you will continue to send the NLs out here after VE day so that we who will be here as occupation troops can still keep up to date with Tarleton news. I have been in Germany for quite a while and was for some time with the Americans during the drive over the other side of the Rhine. My kind regards to all my Tarleton friends, also to all my friends in the Forces, especially Hugh, Bert, Harry Crook and the Burns brothers."
Dvr. John Caunce writes from C.M.F. "I hope that you will like the photos I am sending. For myself I do not think that they are as good as they might be but, anyway, it still shows that I am alive and kicking. But they will be something to put in the chair opposite you. When I get home you will be able to sit back in your chair and listen to my experiences, and I really shall be able to tell you some."
Dvr. Billy Whittle writes from B.L.A. "I am glad to hear that Bobby Edmondson is still OK. I wonder what he thinks of Active Service. Not so much I suppose. I heard he spent a short leave in Brussels just before me. I'm in a "rush". I have just grabbed some dinner and now I'm off for the mail. Must not be last for that you know! You should see the lads when I come in with it. I hear this from about 50 voices at once "Any for me, Whitt?" I don't mind this mail trip at all. It gives me a chance to go to a place where at least the glass is still in the windows. And, believe me, it's quite a change to see a bit of glass instead of shell-shattered houses with window frames hanging out, hopelessly shattered."
LAC Hugh Melling writes "Just a line to let you know I've arrived safely in India. I shall be glad when I am posted so that I can settle down. I say "settled" but I don't think, for a minute, that I shall settle in this country. The food here is quite good and the billets fairly comfortable. There is also plenty of fruit which is reasonably cheap. I would like to thank you for the heap of NLs which was waiting for me when I arrived here. Remember me to Uncle Bert, cousins Mick and Harry, the Burns brothers and all the other Tarletonians."
Dvr. Billy Harrison writes from C.M.F. "The main news I have to tell you is that John Caunce and I have just spent seven days' leave in Rome and I must say we really enjoyed it. I have also Jack Moss here with me. He is only just down the road from me. It was four years yesterday since I joined the Army, and I am pleased to say that I have enjoyed myself all the time and have met some very good pals. Remember me to all via the NL especially to my brother Tom, neither my parents nor I have heard from him for the past ten weeks."
Pte. Billy Lowe writes from S.E.A.C. "I shall never lose touch with good old Tarleton as long as I still keep getting the NL. I have been in hospital through a piece of shrapnel which I stopped with my right arm while we were making a landing on the coast of Burma. I am now OK and will soon be re-joining my Unit. My best regards to John Smith, and Hughie and Bob Bridge, also to Bob Hull and all the lads in the Services."
Gunner Arthur Harrison writes from B.L.A. "I have now had a NL for the past two weeks, and as you know we get more news from it than from all the letters from home. I think that there is every chance that by the time you receive this letter it may be all over here. I had hoped that it would have ended yesterday as it would have been on my birthday. I am sure that the boys in Italy will be pleased at the good news. Tell them to keep smiling a little longer and they will soon be home."
Pte. Ronnie Sergeant writes from B.L.A. "I think it quite safe to tell you where I am, as it has been announced on the wireless where the 15th Scottish are, we are on the Elbe. We have been here about a week during which time I have been busy preparing vehicles for the last lap which started this morning. The civilians here are very difficult to understand. I think that the majority would like to be friendly if we would let them."
LAC Freddy Coupe writes from the West Indies "Down here I'm afraid I do practically the same things week by week, because there is very little choice of things to do. I usually go into town once a week. In the afternoon we find a decent cricket match to watch and in the evening go to a show of some sort. Our cricket team is doing quite well this season. We have only lost two matches out of eight. I play occasionally. Also, when it is not too hot, we play tennis."
Craftsman Ken Ogden writes from B.L.A. "I know that there are many local lads in Germany but so far I have not met any. Very soon now some one will be claiming the Berlin Medal and then will begin the long track back to civvy street. While I was in Belgium I met some very decent people and they made me very welcome. I will never forget it but, of course, there is no place like home."
Pte Jack Parker airmails from S.E.A.F. "We had very bad news here on Monday. The padre who serves us and a neighbouring hospital twenty miles away died after an operation. He was very well liked, young and athletic. I went to the funeral. Also on Monday we had a visit from the Bishop of Assam. I did not get the chance to speak to him, but I had met him before at Shillong. My brother Syd's p-o-w camp was over-run on Good Friday, but I have not heard yet whether he has been released. I hope that he has. My greeting to all Tarletonians. I don't think that VE Day will make very much difference here."
Sub-Lieut Bob Iddon, R.N.V.R., (HB) airmails from Greece "A few weeks ago in Cairo I was able to see the treasures from Tutankhamen's tomb, before continuing my journey to Athens, where I saw the Acropolis and other interesting sights. While I was in Alex I was able to contact a Wren from Longton. I often wonder what kind of change we shall notice when we get home. I look forward to the time when I can begin my career as a teacher, but although I have seen many things which, in the days to come, will prove most useful, I have, at the same time, forgotten quite a lot."
Leading Seaman John Coulton (HB) writes "It is quite a change for me to get so easy a job as this really is. It is the first standby job I've had since joining up, but I'm afraid that it will turn out to be a foreign commission eventually, when the ship is completed. Last weekend I met my brother-in-law for the first time. He is a Padre with the Canadian Army in Holland. You would not know him, for he left Southport about 15 years ago as a missionary to Canada, and was a Rector in Winnipeg before volunteering for the Army."
Dvr. Robert Noble airmails from C.M.F. "I am now writing from a different part of the world. I have not been able to write before as I have been on board ship all the time. We had a good journey and stayed at Gibraltar, Algiers and Malta, and it all helped to keep us happy after leaving the U.K. I am going to try and find my cousins John Caunce, Mere Brow, and William Caunce, Holmeswood."
Gunner John Coulton (Fermor Road) writes from B.L.A. "It won't be very long now before I am home on leave, and I am looking forward to seeing all my friends and the old village once again. I have travelled France, Belgium and Holland but they can't beat old England. Will you please convey my best wishes to all the boys and girls in the Forces, especially Ralph Whitehead, Harry Whitehead, J.W.Parkinson and Jack Robinson."
L/Cpl Ken Robshaw airmails from India "Please excuse pencil but I have got my wrist in plaster of Paris and I cannot move it very easily. I am lucky to be able to write with it at all. I have broken it in two places. L/Cpl Waters of Boundary Lane, HB is in a Signals Company in the same area as I am in. He is about 5 minutes walk from my billet, and I go to their Canteen for suppers, so I often see him."
ACI John Ball (Bretherton) "I arrived here only a few days ago, but have managed to settle down. We have a two-mile march to work every morning, and back again for meals, which is the only grumble. Last night was one I shall always remember. Large bonfires were burning everywhere - people dancing in the streets till the early hours, music, rockets, and the sky a mass of searchlights. Please remember me to all my friends in the Forces when space permits."
Marine Charles Martin writes from B.L.A. "I deeply appreciate your NLs which have never failed to reach me wherever I have been. Amongst my companions they are read and enjoyed. Your arrangements for B.L.A. men on leave who are unfortunately stranded in Preston in the early hours of the morning is very thoughtful. I know! On my first leave as a recruit I set out and walked the nine miles from Preston to Tarleton at about one o'clock in the morning."
Dvr Sam Iddon airmails from C.M.F. "Two days ago we had a very heavy thunderstorm and the water just poured down and rushed through our tents like a river; and today we had just got things right and straight again when even as I am writing this letter, it has started to pour down again; so it's not all sunny in Italy. I agree with what you say; our task is not over when hostilities cease but I myself, and I am sure there are many more like me, will do our best to make it a better world to live in."
LAC Sydney Cookson airmails from S.E.A.C. "I must say how thankful I am that, even though I belong to Hesketh Bank Parish, you have sent me your NL week by week. Of course, I know Tarleton and its inhabitants well, so I greatly enjoy receiving the NLs. I am grateful to you and to all, for the way the NL has cheered me. We all feel sure we shall return to a land fit for heroes to live in, and I hope that none are disappointed."
Pte John Power (HB) writes from B.L.A. "I am at present well into Germany and not far from the camp which has recently had its atrocities exposed in the daily papers. I pass almost daily a camp from which even from the road there is a deathly smell. Notices have been erected with "DANGER - TYPHUS" so one has to be very cautious. At present I am working on demolishing enemy ammunition dumps. The civilians are undoubtedly scared of us, but one thing that surprises me is the number of people who attend Church on Sunday mornings. Around here it is a Protestant community, but like the R.Cs in other parts, they go in flocks to their respective Churches."
LAC J. Clemmy - a friend of the late Tom Parkinson, who was killed in Corsica - airmails from C.M.F. "Thanks for two more NLs which were delivered here while I was away in Rome. We made one trip to St. Peter's and the Vatican City, where we bought several sets of stamps, and I managed to get some snaps of Rome. One day in Rome I went to see the Opera `The Barber of Seville`. That was a really good entertainment and I enjoyed every minute of it. Tonight I'm on guard, so that puts paid to any activity."
Sapper George Barker writes from B.L.A., and heads his letter `Somewhere in Germany`. He says "I must admit that where I am at the moment is about the nicest bit of country I have ever seen, if you don't mind fraternising with it. Norman Barron is still with me and is keeping very well, as is also Jack Gidlon from Walmer Bridge."
LAC Tom Bolton writes "Life seems to go on much the same in the R.A.F. these days. I only joined this squadron a week ago, so it takes some time to get used to the different chaps' ideas. I don't think I have ever come across a Squadron with so many Lancashire lads in it, so you can rely upon it holding its own alright. My kind regards to Mr. Bailey and Staff and if you have a corner in your NL to Tommy Dickinson, my right hand man in the old Co-op days."
L/Cpl Frank Foulds writes from a Military Hospital where he is a patient "The big day has arrived! VE Day has come at last! And I am in hospital. Oh! If I could only get up and go out, for I am told by the boys that Lincoln is celebrating quite well. I have not got on my feet yet as my legs are not strong enough for they are as thin as match sticks. Remember me to all the boys and girls in the Forces and also to all my many friends in Tarleton."
Pte Woosey writes "Sorry to hear about Nick Taylor, Gorse Lane, getting wounded and also Harry Cookson. We get a civvy Padre here every Friday afternoon for an hour. He has arranged with the Camp Commandant for us all to go to his Church two miles from here. This civvy Padre does speak sense. The Army padre we had before spoke very little about religion and everyone got fed up with him. Remember me to my brother-in-law Eric Booth and all the lads and lasses."
Gunner Ronnie Whiteside (HB) airmails from C.M.F., "The last five NLs have travelled Italy after having passed through No.1 South African Con Camp. And these days I am far from Italy and am in Greece. On Easter Day we had a bumper Church Parade, a silver Band to play the music for us and after the service a March-past. I was very sorry to hear of the passing of my old Sunday School teacher, Mr. Smith. We shall miss him. Remember me to the Carr Brothers, and tell David not to let the trombone slide get too stiff."
Trooper George West writes "I had quite a surprise last night when Harry Crook called on me. He looks very fit and we had quite a talk about Tarleton and he wishes to be remembered to all his friends. He is returning to Germany and will be with George Burns, my brother-in-law. Quite a lot of German prisoners-of-war have been coming over here. I had a talk to a Nazi youth, and told him of the atrocities, but he would not believe it. He said he did not believe in God, he only believed in Hitler."
Pte Jimmy West writes "Just a line to let you know that I am in hospital. I am writing this letter while lying in bed. I like the Army life alright up to now. I will soon be convalescent and then I should get some home leave."
Joe Rimmer (Moss Side, Mere Brow) writes from his mine, "There are quite a few Lancashire lads here some from Preston and one from Southport. I believe that there are also two lads in this hostel from Leyland, but I have not met them yet. Last Saturday I watched a football match between Newcastle and Bolton Wanderers. It was a good match with plenty of spectators. Remember me, in the NL, to Norman Wright."

BRAIN TWISTERS

1. Each dot in the star represents a letter. Fill the star so that the words formed read the same whether read vertically or horizontally.

.
. . .
. . . . .
. . . . . . .
. . . . .
. . .
.

Clues: A consonant; A heavenly body; An Indian native employed by a European Government; A heavenly body; Representations of musical
Sounds; Affirmative; A consonant.

2. A strong man at a circus can lift 1,000 lbs. How great a weight will he be able to balance with the aid of a single pulley fixed in the ceiling? He stands on the floor and pulls down.
3. Upon being asked his age, a father said to his son, "In infancy I spent one-twelfth of my life then in schools and college one-fourth of my life. After six years I married. I then lived one-eighteenth of my life and you were born. I worked hard for twenty years and then retired. Since then I have spent one-fourth of my years. Now, my lad, how old am I?"
4. Two clerks, A and B, were hired in an office at the same time. A's salary was £1000 a year with an increase of £200 a year. B's salary was also to commence at £1000 a year, but his increase was £50 every half year. In each case payments were made half yearly. Which clerk received the better offer, and why?
5. In a ten-letter word, the successive letters represent the digits from 1 to 0, inclusive, i.e. 10 equals 0. In the following problem the letters are used instead of their respective number values. What is the ten-letter word from which the letters are taken?

OUT(CUEOIC(INTO
OUT
LSLO
AIL
NEAI
NTLC
ISAC
ISAC

6. What is Germany's unlucky number?
-------

THE LIGHTER SIDE.

Naval Officer: "Have you scrubbed the deck and polished the brass?"
A.B.: "Ay, ay, sir, and I've swept the horizon with a telescope."


"And is the prince incognito? asked the reporter at the hotel.
"Well, no sir," replied the hotel porter", I don't know as I'd say that, but he's certainly had a few."


Lady to jobbing gardener: "You've mown my lawn very badly, my man."
Jobbing gardener: "Certainly, madam, you told me when you engaged me that it wanted cutting very badly."


Borrower: "Well, thanks awfully for the loan of the ten bob, old man. I'll be everlastingly indebted to you."
Lender: "I know you will - you don't have to rub it in."


Robinson: "I hear Jones has been made bankrupt."
Smith: "Yes, but it wasn't his fault. He lost all his money in a syndicate which went bust."
Robinson: "Poor chap! More syndicate than sinning."


Man: "Well, boy, what can you do?
Boy: "Anything you want, sir."
Man: "Can you wheel a barrow full of smoke?"
Boy: "Certainly sir, if you will fill it."


What are you giving your husband for his birthday?
Oh, a hundred cigars.
A hundred cigars! Whatever did you pay for them?
Nothing! For the past few months I have taken one or two from his box every day. He has not missed them, and he will be delighted when he finds that I have given him just the very kind he always smokes and enjoys.


The editor told the young reporter to be more concise, and not to repeat the same words so often, to cut out some of the detail, and to be much more brief.
So the next day the reporter turned in the following:- "A shooting affair occurred last night. Sir John Blank, a guest at Lady Cinderella's dance, complained of feeling unwell, took a drink, his hat, his coat, his departure, no notice of his friends, a taxi, a pistol from his pocket, and finally his life."


Put this one to your pal.
"A man went out fishing with a net and caught ten pounds of shrimps. He sold the lot for ten pence. How much was that per pound? Now there's a catch in it."
"A penny a pound" he will say.
"Right", you reply, and then begin talking about something else.
"But where does the catch come in?" he is sure to ask.
"In the net," and off you go.


Mother: "Were you a good girl at the party, Betty?"
Betty: "Yes, mother."
Mother: "You did what I told you,and didn't ask for a second piece of cake, I hope."
Betty: "No, mother, I only said that it was very nice cake, indeed, and I liked it, and she just insisted on me taking another piece."


George, serving in India, saw a bottle of monkey-gland, guaranteed to make one younger, on sale in the bazaar. So he bought it, and sent it home to his mother, telling her it would keep her young until he got home. After three years in India he returned home. Before leaving he sent word to his parents telling them to meet the boat at a certain NW port. On arriving at the port he kept a good look out but failed to see his parents. However, coming down the gangway a beautiful girl, apparently about 17, rushed up to him, put her arms round his neck and kissed him.
"Hold hard," said George. "This is very nice, but who are you?"
"I'm your mother, George dear," replied the damsel. "I'm glad I look young, it was that stuff in the bottle of monkey gland you sent home."
It was then that he noticed that she was making for a pram with a baby in it. "Hold hard, mother", said George, "Don't tell me that you've started a second family."
"Don't be foolish, George," laughed his mother. "That's your father, he would take it in tablespoons, when the label said teaspoons.


Lady(to workman): "Why did you not come yesterday to mend my bell, when I telephoned and said it was out of order?"
Workman: "I did come, lady. I pushed the bell several times, but got no answer."


Tomkins: "Aren't your daughter's music lessons costing a fearful lot?
Simkins: "On the contrary. They have enabled me to buy the next-door house quite cheaply."

Wife: (suspiciously) "Robert, there are dozens of empty bottles down in the cellar. How did they get there?"
Husband: "I've not the least idea, sweetheart. I've never bought an empty bottle in my life."


A doctor had an urgent phone call from a gentleman saying that his small son had swallowed his fountain pen.
"All right! I'll come at once", replied the doctor. "But what are you doing in the meantime?"
The unexpected answer was "Using a pencil."


"Rheumatism", said the doctor, "causes a man to imagine that his joints are very much larger than they actually are."
"I know", chimed in Mrs. Smith, "our butcher has it."


Schoolmaster: "Now we know that the earth is round. Tell me, Thomas, would it be possible for you to walk round the earth?"
Thomas: "No, sir."
Schoolmaster: "And why not?"
Thomas: "Because I twisted my ankle on Saturday playing football."

 

ANSWERS TO BRAIN TWISTERS

1.

J
S U N
S E P O Y
J U P I T E R
N O T E S
Y E S
R

2. The maximum amount he can balance is his own weight.
3. 72 years old.
4. B is better off. His income is always £50 a year more than A's. In the first year A receives £1000, and B receives £500 for the first half-year, and £550 for the second half-year, or a total of £1050. In a similar manner it can be shown that there will always be a difference of £50 in B's favour.
5. INOCULATES.
6. Nine. Because the last two figures of 1918 add up to 9, and the last two figures of 1945 also total 9, and in each of these years she lost a war.


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